Find “Grace” in Feeling Like Crap:
When I am feeling particularly bad, it is difficult not to let my mind race forward an hour, a month, a year, ten years and wonder, “will I still be feeling like this? Will I feel worse?” It is also hard to not start searching for a reason for feeling bad: Is it a relapse? Am I progressing? Is my treatment no longer working? Should I have stopped/started/changed that medication? What am I doing wrong? Then I might start trying things: I take a nap, I exercise, I drink more water, I skip the evening glass of wine or I have an extra glass of wine…
Sometimes some of my measures help, sometimes they don’t. What I have found helpful, at least some of the time, is to calm down and not do anything. When I am feeling my worst, I try to just be still. That’s all – be still – physically, mentally, emotionally. It is very, very hard. However, giving myself a mini-vacation from “what should I be doing about this” mental chatter seems to give my brain a chance to figure out some of it for itself. Often this leads to feeling a little bit better, or at least a little more rational about my current state.
Have Your “Go To” People:
A good friend of mine has her own list of diagnoses that she lives with. Sometimes all we have to do is glance at each other or answer the phone with a groan, and we know exactly how each other is feeling. Having a friend like this helps when days are bad and helps when days are good. We never have to explain to each other that when we are feeling “fine” it really means “kind of functional.” We can laugh together at absurd comments made by others, instead of biting their heads off for being insensitive. We can wonder what life is going to bring us later that evening, in a year, when our kids go to college. We can say what we are really feeling (physically and emotionally) in a safe place, which gives us the strength to leave those feelings in that place and go make dinner for our families or help with homework.
Find yourself at least one person like this. I recommend it not be someone in your family, as occasionally you need to be able to explain why you are feeling overwhelmed or angry without prefacing it with phrases like “it’s not your fault” or “you know that I love you, but” in order to help that person not feel threatened or guilty.
Bottom Line: Yes, as people with MS, we suffer. We do. Our job is to find our way in life to deal with the suffering with dignity – learn from it what we can, don’t fear it any more than we have to, and deal with it as we need to in the moment, whether that be fighting it fiercely or giving into it for just a little while. Our goal is to not lose ourselves in the process.
