A sad story of suicide and MS

Hope dies last … How it felt to read it ? Sad , disturbing and familiar. I last my grandmother last year from cancer the last month I was watching her in pain all the time trying to fall asleep , smiling only when she was and I wanted to do it , I wanted to kill her while she was sleeping but I couldn’t…. I was 19 and didn’t think for a moment that was the wrong decision so deciding someone’s fate when he is unable to do so should be legal in my opinion. Now to you and MS , my mom has MS a week or so ago she had another remission and now she can’t move on her own but I haven’t lost hope MS can be cured I know it I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. So if you’re thinking about it DON’T!!! Even if she wanted to die and I don’t think she does I wouldn’t do it because after all she has to keep going for us because (her family) because if she’s gone I would suffer to the end of my days , I can’t even imagine what the pain is for the actual patient but let me tell you , you owe it to your family to keep fighting!

P.S. Sorry for the bad English , ain’t my mother tongue.

Hope dies last … How it felt to read it ? Sad , disturbing and familiar. I last my grandmother last year from cancer the last month I was watching her in pain all the time trying to fall asleep , smiling only when she was and I wanted to do it , I wanted to kill her while she was sleeping but I couldn’t…. I was 19 and didn’t think for a moment that was the wrong decision so deciding someone’s fate when he is unable to do so should be legal in my opinion. Now to you and MS , my mom has MS a week or so ago she had another remission and now she can’t move on her own but I haven’t lost hope MS can be cured I know it I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. So if you’re thinking about it DON’T!!! Even if she wanted to die and I don’t think she does I wouldn’t do it because after all she has to keep going for us because (her family) because if she’s gone I would suffer to the end of my days , I can’t even imagine what the pain is for the actual patient but let me tell you , you owe it to your family to keep fighting!!!

P.S. Sorry for the bad English , ain’t my mother tongue.

The closest I could imagine coming to committing suicide is having a living will that includes a DNR, do not resuscitate, and an order to not put me on life support unless there’s a realistic chance that I’ll wake up, which I do. When I was diagnosed with MS, that was one of the first things I did. The idea being that if it’s my time, it’s my time. There’s no real point in going to extreme measure to bring me back if my heart stops. That said, in the mean time I intend to fight for every breath for as long as I’m able to breathe on my own.

Since being diagnosed with MS in 2002, I’ve been through a lot of stuff, the worst of which was surviving stage 4 head and neck cancer. I’ve been off chemo for 2 and a half years now and there is no evidence of cancer on my scans. A lot of guys get depressed when they reach 40. Not me. I’ll be 42 in September and I celebrate a rejoice because after going through that fight every single day above ground is a great and glorious day, even if my MS is acting up.

This story breaks my heart and also strikes terror at the same time. I have MS and other severe medical problems and have always been an A personality , non-stop worker and caregiver. To have my life go from 200 miles an hour to 2 miles an hour is horrific. I can say that at this point in time I have no thoughts of suicide or asking for assisted suicide. It is a personal decision and yet I understand the fear of being captive in our own bodies. I guess what always amazes me is the amount of energy and money is thrown away everyday that could help with research for MS and every other debilitating disease. They don’t just get better and we don’t just disappear. Thank God for the celebrities that put a face to the disease. With diseases like MS everyone suffers and everyone’s decision is their own.

This was more of a wake up call to me. I can still walk, even if it is limited, I can still drive, and I have a family that is very tightly knit together, On the other hand, taking into account just how much she has lost, I am remiss to condemn or laud her choice. I am not sure that I would/could do the same, but then again, I have not experienced as severe a state of MS as she has. I was diagnosed in ’07. I still consider myself a newcomer to the world of MS. I thank you for sharing the article, though. Yes, it was sad, and yes I did cry at it. But, I refer back to the idea of catharsis…maybe that was her intention all along. My thoughts and prayers will be with her family, but she lived as it seemed, on her own terms, and decided to die on her own terms as well.

i can only imagine the thoughts that poor woman was having!
feeling her lifeto be over. my walking is very bad-i have the wheelchair sitting here—BUT i refuse to get in it yet!as i told my dr-long as i can drag the legs i will
but u have days of wanting to give up. i was dxd. in 1999
recentl;y had a surgery/procedure to help with the bladder and loss of control
i look at my huisband and that being the only reason i would not ever take my life. i couldnot do that to him
so life goes on most days not good—BUT i am still alive and for this i am grateful

I am going to write a book about suicide. I want to name it “Suicide is not Painless” as a spin off from the old Elton John song. I have experienced 4 suicides in my family. My mother, my brother, my step brother and my cousin all committed suicide. So my best advice for all of us left that have to deal with the life consequences is that it is OK to talk about it. As the author of this MS program you acted like all of us do as human beings…….let’s not talk about it and IT is so horrible to do. The person involved with killing themselves has to make the choice to live. Life is hard for all of us and sometimes we face situations that cannot be resolved. The choices they make are OK. They have the right to decide or not decide to live. It is their life……The challenge is for the rest of us left to stop lying about what happened and accepting their act in a compassionate loving way. For years I kept my mom’s picture hidden because I was stuffing the emotion of suicide in the closet like we all do………let’s not talk about it and isn’t it horrible!!! It is time to stop and appreciate who these people were in our lives when they WERE healthy………

With loving wishes to all the survivors……

Steve Marks…….

I am sad that she thought this was the way to go. While taking Rebif I had thoughts like hers, I felt so much worse and the pain could get intense. BUT, at the end of the day, God gave me life and He alone will take it away. There is nothing that I can’t go through with Him with me. I have a Do not Resesitate order, but I don’t think that is the same thing. I just don’t want to be kept alive artificially.

I have always been able to do and go as I wanted too. Now my eyesight is not good, so I dont drive anymore, or very little.. I stagger so bad, walking is a chore, even with a cane. Yes having MS is a PAIN, but I have no thought of ending my life. I will be around to give others a hard time, as long as the Lord allows it

I used to think suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but now having lived with MS for 21 years, I now understand it is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that we are no longer able to cope…we are tired. I have already decided if I get to that point I will most likely commit suicide. But so far I have handled every flare, pain, loss of function set before me, some more gracefully and couragiously than others. But I definitely feel a sufferer has the right to choose.

I am a long-standing RR MSer. I am now 50 and find I haven’t the funds to live a decent life,having being unable to work. I am stuck in living conditions where I feel bullied rather than supported. There is much more to MS than just the physical disability. If you don’t have the money to provide your own support and have your freedom, you are stuck. The government doesn’t help. The MS Society doesn’t help. Mostly I am philosophical about life but after a recent relapse I became convinced I did not want to live if my MS ever got worse. I do not fear death. I fear the helplessness and pain. I feel glad for the young girl in question who took her own life. She made her decision and carried it out.

I was diagnosed in’07. RR and it has taken a toll on every aspect of my life, not just my physical health. It ruined a marriage before a firm diagnosis because my husband at the time thought it was”all in my head”. The medical costs to keep it in control almost consume 55% of my total income and I am a single mom of two teenagers. I am swimming in debt due to ms. I had a brother commit suicide when I was just 19. I was so angry at him for so long watching the effect it had on my family. On the other hand, if I am at a point where my kids are grown and supporting themselves, why would I want to burden them financially, emotionally or physically with having to take care of meer if I can no longer take care of myself. Choice is the key here. We should at least have a choice…at that point my choice would be clear.

I am very glad to finally have a forum on which to express my views about suicide. I was diagnosed with RRMS 1 1/2 years ago. This on top of the benign (but slowly growing) pituatary adenoma, the two neck surgeries, shoulder, surgery, and bunion surgery. I have fought valiantly to stay mobile and doing the things I love, but recently had to give up a job I loved to do dearly due to the fatigue brought about by the MS. When I was initially diagnosed, I gave a good deal of thought to committing suicide. This comes from someone who has had two close relative commit suicide when I was a teen and young adult. I have fought all my life to avoid the clinical depression which pervades in my family and stayed mentally healthy with counselors. I could not go through with act of suicide for two reasons- I am still ready to fight and I could not subject my family to the trauma AGAIN. But I know that at same point I may run out of the necessary hutzpah to keep going. I have researched the options where assisted suicide was a viable option. I would like the option of having my family by my side when I make the choice (If I ever do) of slipping away from the grinding pain and loss of physical freedom. Oregon and Washington support assisted suicide with a doctors approval if you have been a resident for 6 months and are within 6 months of death. MS doesn’t provide you with a concrete “expiration” date. However, there is a clinic in Switzerland called Dignitas where you can choose to end your days as long as you are of sound mind. I like knowing that there is an option where my family could be involved. We are just not there yet. The fighting spirit still hang in there. Live life with passion.

It is about having control on when and how. MS attacks when it wants and where it wants. Its about regaining control of what we lost. I agree with Lori when she said: ” I used to think suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but now having lived with MS….”

I live across the road from a train line often latley i think what would it feel like to stand in front of a train. No more not being able too see well or use a walker to walk. But then i think i have 4 kids 3 taken off me course i can’t do what i must for them. Drive them to school is my dream have there laughter here week days not weekends take them out like child should have.Just be there mother. That kills me Then there is my precious 19 yr old left to live with me & look after me. Yes i have no pain my pain is emotional & i wonder how much more i can take, I’m here only because they r under 10 & need me Butmake no mistake my life is Hell.

A couple of years ago the PBS show “Frontline” ran a program that detailed an ALS patient’s journey from England to Switzerland for the purpose of legally ending his life via assisted suicide. Now, ALS is a horrible disease, but late stage progressive MS can look very much like it, leaving the patient a fully functional brain imprisoned in a useless bag of flesh and bones. It’s hard to think of a more terrible fate.

The patient in the Frontline program explains his decision to seek assisted suicide by saying that he wasn’t choosing between life and death, he was choosing between death, and suffering and death. I think that pretty much sums it up.

As a society, we consider it inhumane to let an animal suffer, yet we mandate that human beings suffer helplessness, pain, and indignity without recourse. Where is the morality in that?

This is a sad, sad story. I have heard of other MS victims committing suicide. I remember hearing Dr. Kavorkian having helped a number of MS sufferers die. It makes me want to cry…to cry out to medical science to hurry up and find a cure for this devastating disease.
I have had MS for 36 years, most of them spent in a wheelchair. Years ago, I met a young woman who was able to love me despite my disability. We will celebrate our 20 wedding anniversary in October. A doctor once told me I am a “burnout” case of MS–I suppose because the damn thing stopped getting worse. I am so sad this woman saw no hope left, no joy possible for her, no love to comfort her. May she rest in peace, and let the rest of us still here continue to bring awareness to MS and help bring an end to it in any way we can. We owe it to the next generation.
Big John

After reading the Article you shared with us……..It only confirmed my own personal decision on suicide and how much I respect this person for leaving on their own terms!
People say ( and I used to say) that suicide is a selfish thing to do! That was Before my own diagnoses of MS. I respect many of your thoughts but wouldn’t you agree that making someone live the rest of ‘Their” lives in horrible pain, with no dignity……….would that not make You the selfish one? Just to keep your loved one around for your own liking?
No One can make judgment on another for not wanting to live in ‘Hell” for the rest of your days here on earth………The old cliche of saying’ “You have to walk a mile in their shoes” is one of my favorite cliche’s.
I have a great deal of pain with my MS. I do get relief sometime and Thank God for that…….But when / if the point comes that all I am living for is ‘PAIN”…. I love myself and my family to much to live like that and to have them see me like that!
I would much rather them remember me with a giggle and a smile than curled up in a ball reeling from the pain I was living in. So, for me…… When the time comes, when one only lives for pain and suffering, and you make a conscious decision that this is no life for an animal let alone me, Then whatever your decision is, It’s the right one. I will NOT live for pain though!
Peace and Love to you all <3

I will keep this short An hour ago I was in a b ody full of pain that I prayed to die but then I started to read all these comments and took my nightly medication and very quickly wanted to live i have ppms would not wish this ilness on any body so when you say god hear me and want to die three words forget it I want to vlive
DO NOT DO IT

I just wanted to quote Jane Hummel on this blog piece “This story breaks my heart and also strikes terror at the same time. I have MS and other severe medical problems and have always been an A personality , non-stop worker and caregiver. To have my life go from 200 miles an hour to 2 miles an hour is horrific. I can say that at this point in time I have no thoughts of suicide or asking for assisted suicide. It is a personal decision and yet I understand the fear of being captive in our own bodies.”

You really resonated with me, Jane, and I didn’t know how to respond to you directly…

I think about Carol in her wheelchair and what the heck must have been going through her mind once she hit the water her W/C! No changing her mind at that point. If you’re ever in the same boat, I would not pass judgement on whether you should “stay” or “go”, but if you choose to leave, please treat yourself with more humanity in the manner you go. Drowning is a horrible death…hasn’t M.S. been mean enough to us in our lifetime only to end it in such a brutal fashion? Just sayin’.

Besides the physical issues there are the mental, unknowing, aspects of this f$%^&*g MS. I felt a bit weak earlier today, lay on the floor, with a cousion under my head –not unusual, and slept – fitfully– for about 4 hours. When I woke up I felt tremendious depression and wondered why I woke up. I didn’t speak to -or wanted to speak to, absolutely anyone, including my grandaughter, who is the apple of my eye.

I actually want to be away from this place and
awway from life.

I have ms, and although im 50 I would not hesitate to find a way out of ms hell…i too have had a dnr, since my diagnosis. I think it takes so much courage to do what that lady did. Now in the us if she were an animal all you do is take your pet and they go to sleep. But us with the more progressed ms have no rights, we become deserted from family and friends, because we no longer function. Oh by the way I was a Rn, and this disease which will never see a cure, since it is a big money maker, for drug companies just like cancer. So give us dignity, to chose how our lives end. Well, that is my opinion…

Wow, I have felt SOOO suicidal all morning and then I come across this. Just crying like a baby. Not feeling sorry for myself, just so tired of feeling sick, so limited in what I can do, I don’t feel that I can go on much longer like this. I think that people who feel that suicide is wrong should try walking lol in the others shoes, or have no control over your body just for a week. All my friends and family have been gone for years. They don’t have a clue what I go through. On the rare occasion that I do try to talk on the phone to my sister-in-law she always end the conversation in an up beat “well I hope that you feel better soon!” Or if she asks me how I am feeling and I start to be honest she just cuts me off by saying “oh you don’t need to go on I get it”. I am in a marriage that was over after we were married a year. Now we have been together 25 yrs but I have never had the energy to leave and so am stuck in 2 hells. My husband is mentally ill and can barely hold down a job. 13 yrs ago when I had a severe MS relaps we were going to be homeless and so I thought where is a good place to be homeless? So we moved to Hawaii but still have no money. (but at least I was diagnosed in 2005 here) I have lots of pain meds kept away for the day. There isn’t anywhere to go and it is really a shame. We are all trying to live each day the best we can and I applaud all of you for getting through another one. And I also hope that if you have to leave this earth that you have the guts to do it. I hope that I have the guts too.

I have the “good” M/s. Relapsing/remitting. The worst part of my MS is I had to quit work because of my cognitive abilities. I just couldn’t remember anything– short term memory loss is what I have. I lost two jobs in the past year and was just approved for SSDI. I loved my jobs though. I loved the job I had with the government– I adored working with the veterans. The thing is I have no family to speak of. That is the hard part.

The diagnoses alone is devastating. So many years of Drs and the not knowing. Knowing full well there is something wrong. Being told its all in your head. Yea it is !! The mood swings. The loss of self. Cognitive impairment. Mine is severe. And there are the ones who don’t understand. The frustration the denial the anger the depression. And I think well I can still walk. I can still walk thabk god I can still walk. And I told my family and friends the day I riding on 4 wheels that isn’t a car I am gone. I don’t know what her life was like who was or wasn’t in her life. Perhaps someone left her idk it is a real deal breaker in relationships. All I know is when it comes to that I’m done

I was diagnosed with RRMS when I was 15 in Feb. 2000. It turned into PRMS a few years ago. I tried to kill myself in 2009. Life to me is not worth living if you’re in constant misery, so I swallowed a bottle of Ambien thinking it would end me. Since then, I’ve been to Germany 2 years ago to recieve stem-cells injections and last year to Chicago for a stem-cells transplant. I wasn’t able to walk last year and now I barely need a cane. All the physical improvements there are to make still don’t take the sucidal thoughts out of my head, as most of the time I still get pissed off that my suicide didn’t work. I’m hanging on by a thread and the only thing really keeping me going is the hope that I may find someone who will make me not want to “end it” anymore. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold on to that thread, but I don’t see myself doing anything for at least a while. It just angers me when people tell you “you’ll get better” and the fact that suicide illegal. I’ve had MS for over 12 years and it has taken away my youth. Everything I’ve been passionate about and good at has been taken away from me (girls I’ve been in love with, the guitar, baseball, etc…). Sometimes suicide is the only way to relieve the pain, so I’m very saddened that this woman has died, but I understand why she did it.

I am a mother of a tall, dark, and handsome who had M S. He vas diagnosed 2004 ,started falling at first, and treated for ear infection . I wish! Well as years go bye he is now in his bed, just diagnosed with jc virus after 3+ years on Tysabri, can’t even sit in his wheel chair . This week he had tube put in to urinate,what’s next .? He looks depressed although he is on antidepressants. I feel like my world has crumbled , I know his too. To live like this is not living. I wish I could say something positive at this time, just like the famoust words from Gone With The Wind ,But tomorrow, tomorrow is another day! Hope the “most high ” will give us the strength to go on.

I was diagnosed with MS in 2005 but suspect I have had it from the nineties. The story of this young lady taking her life is upsetting but I understand the thoughts of suicide. Recently I have been having these thoughts, thinking and researching ways of a quick end. As with the other posts I am starting to struggle with work and depression. I suffer from the short memory, walking among other things. I would like to thing that things would get better but I know that they would only get worse and frustrating. Have tried speaking to my partner but she can not see or coprehend the suffering as I tend to cope well. At least that’s the perception I give out.

On Monday, I will get my diagnosis. On Tuesday, I will kill myself. I will not live like this even one day

I was diagnoised last year with PPMS, Im a 37yr old man. My main problem is walking and weakness in hand, still working. Pissed off big time with diagnosis, dont know what futiure holds, have been depressed on/off over the years anyway – this news scares the f**k out off me! Reading Megs comment is worying me, hope you didnt do anything drastic and still fighting on!

MS sucks! Hi I’m Joseph 62 and feeling blue.
My first MS experience I was 11 years old. I couldn’t stand or walk for a week because of extreme leg and foot pain. No answers to a cause. Years of little things going on with no reasons behind them. CRAZY eh? At 40 years old I was dx’d with MS after 30+ years of pain. I was an athlete and hard working pipe fitter. I couldn’t walk, talk ,think or work normally any longer. So at 40 I was done. The pain continued to reek havoc on me and I continued to try and push through it like everything was going to be OK. WRONG! it’s not OK! I’m not OK and I would love to kill myself if I had the nerve. So in general I’m in horrific pain praying to die. I’ve been on morphine, oxycontin, percocet, and it seems like a million other drugs with very little relief. so now I’m at a cross roads. What do I do? What do I do ??? I’m tough. Real tough, but not this tough! I have a great wife and children and grand children. My kids are not connected to me being sick and will feel bad at my funeral. Friends all disappeared. I think they don’t know what to say or do so they just gave up on the friendship. I’m at the end and I’m ready to give up too after fighting the fight. A good fight it was, but the towel is ready to be thrown in. (Thanks for the format) The end.

This is a difficult thing to be frank and honest about. People just don’t want to hear how you feel. I was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder when I was 18. I fought like hell to survive my entire life and the disorder caused me to be in and out of hospitals pretty much monthly for 20+ years. That was miserable enough but at least then I could get a job and be myself. Then at the age of 36, 6 months after I got married I was dx with Secondary Progressive MS. For me it’s not just the fact that all my friends disappeared, I have no support from family and my poor husband has no idea how to deal. I could deal with being in a wheel chair, but I have lost so much of my memory and mental abilities that I’m terrified the next lesion is going to make me a veg. Add to all that, I have very little control over my bladder and the loss of dignity is just devastating. Having to tell my husband I wet the bed makes me real sexy right? I’ve been in pain since 2006 and haven’t had a day without it since then. I’m on Lyrica and Morphine. I had to have both knees fully replaced and I have fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I can only say what is next? Each month I fill my meds and I have all these bottles full of morphine and lyrica I just hold them and go through my list of pro’s and con’s. Each month the pro’s become less and less. I know I’m going to do it, I’m just waiting until the ones I love are settled into their own lives.

I am surprised that you dont understand her feeling. I constantly think that way. Of course, .. what is the point of life when you cant do what you want to do or used to do before. U should be really lucky or whatever not even thinking of this – I doubt.

This has affected my appearance, my communications with others, my work, what I can do, where I can go, pain, …..

Maybe some people have more support but I dont have. My best friend thinks she is as bad as me. But she is healthy has her own family live beside her family. Sometimes she compares herself with me , and I dont have any of what she has. Lack of understanding also kills me.

I remeber this happening to this poor young lady who made that sad sad desicion . At 17 I had my very first real boyfriend tske his own life after we parted ways . For years I thought he might still be slive , i wanted him to live so much .. And be here . Hecwas gone . As a child cancer survivor & it was a rare cancer I akways thought had lucky I was & great ful . Then at 40 I got hit w ms abd head pain and dr ‘a didn’t know what it was .. Not hard w the mystifying abd awful ms ” but 4 yrs later out if blue it happened the dreaded spot was ms and it got me .
I have has weakened legs and dealt w lots of ms flares in a yr at once . It’s terrible . Not sure how this will go . I choose life for now . It’s not easy though I live to work and cannot . Have been put down by inlaws and my family . No one deserves that we are people .
Peace love to all w ms

I was told I have rapid progressive ms when I was 25 I am nor 33 . I have had a constant decrease in health from the time a was 17 . I was always complaining of falling all the time and all kinds of issues . I met a woman when I was 25 and she said to me something was totally wrong she made me go and find out what was wrong . I have had the thoughts of suicide in my mind all the time . I have jumped off a bridge I have over dosed on all of many drugs and I can not seem to die . I have asked for the help of hospice to commit suicide they have agreed . I have been under hospice care for 20 days it is every body’s own choice of what they want to do . ms is not a easy thing to live with . I have no surporting family all I have is my girlfriend of 7 years . I have not ever come to terms with me having ms . and I am ready to die . if you have the urge to commit suicide ask for help ask you doctor if hospice is approite for you I did and now I will die peacefully . just make sure you know what you want .