There are all sorts of statistics about divorce among people with chronic illnesses like multiple sclerosis (MS). Although the exact numbers vary, depending on the study, divorce and separation rates are consistently higher in couples where one person has a disability or chronic illness.
A recent study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center decided to look a little deeper into the situation and found some pretty amazing things.
Looking at 515 people (about equal numbers of men and women) who had brain tumors, cancer or MS, and were married at the time of their diagnosis, the researchers found that:
- 11.6% (60) of the participants were divorced or separated within 6 months of diagnosis; however, only 2.9% of the breakups were in couples where the man was the person with the illness, whereas the rate of breakup was 20.8% among affected women
- 96% of the breakups among people with MS were a situation where the woman was the person living with MS
- It was found that the longer that people had been married, the more likely they were to stick together after a diagnosis
What has been your experience since your diagnosis? Has your marriage suffered or grown stronger in the face of MS adversity? Share your story in the comments section below, or tell it here (as well as read about the experiences of others) - Readers Respond: How has MS affected your marriage?
I feel like my marriage is stronger, but I am also married 27 years & my MS is pretty mild. But I have to say that topic has me a little worried. In my support group, many MSers are divorced. Hope my husband will stick with me for the long haul!
My wife and I had been married for 12 years when I was diagnosed and that was 19 years ago, and we are stringer than ever. The statistics are a disgrace to my gender, although on a personal note, my dad stayed with my mom for 52 years after her diagnoses with MS, so we are not all selfish beasts.
Took my fiancee about 10 months to decide after 4 years of being happy to bail on me – but no, I do not view all men as low-lifes – I happen to like men! But the statistics sure don’t look good do they – I guess I am one of the 96%…..
My wife and I have been married for 17 years. She was Dx about 6 years ago. She often has said that she is afraid that I will leave her because of her illness. To tell the truth it never has been an issue with me. Thick and thin, sickness and in health. What difference does a little disability make?
I was had my first obvious MS symptoms a day after the honeymoon, and was diagnosed about 3 months later. It has only been a little over a year since the diagnosis, but my husband has been my top supporter. We’ve been together nearly 6 years and our relationship is as solid as ever. I’m glad I’ve found one of the good ones!
Having a chronic illness like MS, along with being married to a Type 1 Juvenilie Diabetic has only made us stronger
bEEN MARRIED 30YEARS, DIAGNOSED IN 2001. I NO LONGER WORK, DRIVE cOOK & CLEAN. I DO WHAT I CAN WHEN I CAN & MY HUSBAND PICKS UP THE SLACK; MIND YOU HE DOESN’T VACUM, WASH DISHES, CLOTHES. BUT HE DOES WORK ABT 50 HRS A WEEK & TAKES CARE OF ALLUTSIDE (31 ACRES, HORSES,GOATS, DOGS,GRASS, PASTURES, ETC). iS OUR MARRIAGE STRONG? HELL YES! IHAVE NEVER EVEN GIVEN A THOUGHT OF HIM BAILING OUT, ITS NOT IN HIS MAKE-UP. WE WERE SUPPOSE TO BE ENJOYING OURSELVES NOW (WE ARE BOTH 55) BUT THINGS CHANGE & WE JUST ACCEPT LIFE AS IT T IS. OUR DAUGHTER HAD A BRAIN TUMOR 11 YEARS AGO SO MAYBE THAT IS WHERE WE GET OUR ATTITUDE FROM. YES THERE ARE DAYS i HATE THE WAY I AM, BUT I JUST TRY TO DO WHAT I CAN & HE ACCEPTS THAT. I LIVE HIM, HE IS THE BEST!
Thanks for sharing. As a staff member of the National MS Society, I heard this 3 times this weekend at our Houston-area MS Walks from 3 woman who were recently separated/divorced. Go hug your spouse today and tell them how much you appreciate them.
See – I love reading all of these positive affirmations – it doesn’t make me feel better that I am one of the ones that had a bad man, but sure makes me feel happy to hear these ladies all have wonderful ones! I’d like to maybe think that I am the exception not the norm in this case! Maybe I’ll find someone eventually who will not be like my ex was and more like these wonderful guys!
I was married nearly 10 years when I was diagnosed. My husband has been my strongest supporter and champion. It saddens me greatly to see these statistics and makes me very appreciative of my husband.
I happened to know a man who cudnt decide abt marriage as soon as I got ms. I surely didn’t need his confusions to haunt my life when I was already at my lowest. Although he never said it, I think he was worried abt future sex life.
I’d like to believe he was an exception. I sure am scared of the idea of marriage now!
Our daughter was diagnosed with cancer 11 yrs. ago when she was just 11 and that made our marriage a strong one. We depended on each other for so much support. I was diagnosed almost 4 yrs. ago with MS and I have to say that it has also made our marriage stronger. My husband said that it hurts him to see me hurting and in pain. He always wants what is best for me and tries to make it easier for me. I believe that he truely loves me and will stand by my side until the day one of us goes. I believe it is hard on any marriage whether or not there is a disability or chronic illness, but a marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of compromise. We have been married for 23 yrs. and I have to say that we are very happy. My MS is mild and I am still able to do a lot but MS is MS and it still hurts and it still limits what I am able to do anymore. I think maybe people who are having problems with their marriage should just try going to church. They would be suprised what Christ can do.
My marriagein 1975 was just 5 years old when I was diagnosed ith MS in 1980. We spent the next 25 years happily until his death in 1999. I guess it takes a certain person. Im glad I got one!!
I told my husband I had MS when he first showed an interest in me but I suspect he didn’t (doesn’t) know how it affects me as he doesn’t listen and blames me for complaining. He is older than me and (20 years) and seems to think I should run after him. My MS is mild secondary tho I am having bad days more often now 24 years after being diagnosed. I am not in a situation where it is easy to leave….
sadly, most people do not know how ms efffects your daily routine. with MS their are no “visible” conditions, therefore you must be “faking” or exaggagerting your sysmptoms. my family/husband have been very supportive of my illness. both of our children recentlty married this summer and their spouces & families have been very gracious. i do not moan & groan about my illness, in fact i do not make it a “topic” of conversation when asked how I feel. some people just do not know how & cannot handle crisis, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad. We have to be the better person & show that we can do it,either alone or with our family! oh, did i mention my sister also has MS? she is not anywhere as bad off as i am, but she manages it also…..without a husbnd!
I the care taker, met Colleen on the internet and we corresponded long distance (Colorado, California) for well over a year before deciding to live together here in California… I admired her being so upbeat and not seemingly discouraged by having MS… she was determined not to be beaten by MS… and for the most part, she puts up a good fight… We haven’t married, because of economic reasons… with the probability of her probably losing the financial aid for her very expensive medications… and my inability to afford the medication for her… In our situation, we coupled after knowing MS would be a big part of who we were… What works for us are: common interests (baseball, the sciences, the wonder and beauty of nature, interesting and entertaining stories (movies, articles, documentaries, etc.))…, open mindedness, patients, as well as genuine mutual admiration and comfortable intimacy… We have been together for 6 years now and I am still learning… and that is a good thing… Wanting to make a difference is everything….
my husband and i have been together for 15 yrs married a little more than a year…kevin was paralyzed 2 yrs after we got together from a work related accident….i took care of him…he walks by the grace of GOD but will always be paralyzed…anyways i was dx last february…unfortunately it wasn’t caught in time to stop some major damage…my husband takes care of me now and we are stronger than ever…we work together to make one….I LOVE HIM FOR EVERYTHING AND HE FEELS THE SAME ABOUT ME
I never knew the depth of true love until MS came to me and Dave. I never knew how to ask for real help until MS came to me and Dave. I never knew how much my God would take care of the two of us until MS came to me and Dave. MS is our disease… together. I did not know that after 30 years of marriage we would learn how to become truly one until MS came. We hurt, we love, we are blessed. We would not know the things we now know….the most deeply touching, powerful and traumatizing things in life are invisible to many.
Take good care all MS sisters.
A woman, a neighbour and friend, was diagnosed with MS. As I had been diagnosed much earlier, we swapped ideas. Two years after her diagnosis her husband, a doctor, sought a divorce! I was shocked but not surprised. On the other hand. the wife of my closest friend was diagnosed before reluctantly marrying him. They stayed together until the day she died.
I was diagnosed 6 years ago and got together with my husband a few months later.
I was open and upfront about it all at the very beginning saying how my MS affects me and how it may in the future. He was insistent that we stay together and have now been very happily married for 4 years.
He is absolutely fantastic on my bad days and we enjoy the good days as a family with the children.
Yes these stats are very scary and worrying but I’m hoping that we don’t become another stat!
I am divorced after a 34+ year marriage. I was initially dx with RRMS shortly after my marriage at 20, made great recoveries – and ‘hid’ my ms for 28 years. Re-dx at 49 when I became much more symptomatic, and my husband asked for a divorce when I was 54. But no way is my ms the sole reason! He had had a major stroke at 48 (I was 47), then melanoma at 51. Stoke significantly changed his personality. He was had issues with illnesses + sx before the stroke, and afterwards those attitudes were magnified.
My divorce is a good thing. I get to now live a wonderful new life. My MS and sx have improved dramatically. Divorce is devastating, but can be for the best – even in someone with a chronic disease. Stats do not always fit with real life experiences.
My diagnosis came at a bad time. My husband and I got married in March, he left for Iraq in April, I was diagnosed in August. That was almost 3 years ago and we have marital problems every now and then. Currently we are having problems because he is still trying to accept that I have MS. He feels cheated and I feel bad for him because although I didn’t sign up for MS neither did he. Someday he will either accept it or we will get divorced. I pray that he will come to terms with it and it’s not as bad as he has made it out to be in his head..
This is scaring me, I just recently got the diagnosis at 28 years of age. My husband and I are both avid outdoors people. In fact I just ran a marathon for a second time right before diagnosis. He seems to not be handling this well, I think he feels cheated somehow (like I am a different person). I worry that he and I are not in sync enough for our marriage to last. I love him but he can so easily turn off the faucet of emotions that I believe he can fall out of love quickly. This is a scary time and to add to everything, I may be losing my husband. Life really is unfair at times.
I was diagnosed in May 08 and my wife of 16 years divorced me in Jan 09. It was the hardest time of my life and I can only guess what was going through her head (fear, anger, resentment). I think all the pain and discomfort I was in for the 10 years prior without diagnosis did her in. When I was diagnosed I vowed to fight and that is what seemed to set her off. She refused counseling so we were doomed. It really sucked, but can only assume that she was already done before I was diagnosed. I hate MS!
After I was diagnosed, soon after that I actually left my husband after 10 years of marriage because of my mental changes. I love him and he supported me fully and still would but I changed. Makes me sad.
I married my soul mate, but MS is robbing us of our happiness. I love my husband dearly, but his mood swings and constant depression, infects me. I don’t want to leave him, because I love him with all my heart. I can handle it anymore its not fare to him our me. MS robbed me of my husband I HATE MS!!! dam u!! :O(
After thirty-two years of marriage, he left me almost two years after his MS diagnosis. There were Huge mental changes, initial euphoria, then depression, personality changes, betrayals, terrible lies, bad judgement and a complete change in the person I knew and loved. I still love him. He was my life.
After I was diagnosed 10 years ago, my husband was very caring and supportive. My symptoms weren’t all that bad, and I was able to work. Gradually the MS progressed and I am now on disability. My husband’s attitude has shifted gradually as well. He is supportive in the sense that he provides for our family and me, but he insults me in front of the children about my illness, my forgetfulness, my “fake” symptoms or complaints, and tries passing his comments off as jokes. When I express the hurt I feel, he says he didn’t say these things or says I’m too sensitive. Most of his comments are in front of the children, which is heartbreaking. I have chosen not to respond to him, and our lives have become separate. We also have a 16-year-old son with autism, and I provide most of his care. I feel badly for my husband as I can imagine this is hardly the life he envisioned for himself, but it wasn’t in my dreams either. Not sure what to do now. I am not financially set to support myself without him. We’ve been married 25 years. Very sad.
My mom has MS. My father couldn’t divorce her. He didn’t have it in him to deal with the guilt of being judged by the public that he abandoned his afflicted wife. So he tried to kill her and make it look like an accident due to an adverse reaction to copaxone. To the public, he was so concerned and worried about his wife and very vocal about his concerns. To his family, he was mean and called her “useless” and a “vegetable” and he would always make her cry. Lesson I took away: Those who are divorced, good for you. Those who are married, in the back of your mind will always be questions, “if i get worse, will he/she pull the plug? When my mind goes will he /she put me in a home?”
Live your life with no regrets.
I was married for almost 3 years before I was diagnosed with MS, just over a year later, and much stress related pain, my wife kicked me out. Our divorce just recently finalized, and she finally admitted she didn’t want me anymore because of my diagnosis. She became very angry at me when I could no longer be the bread winner. She would intentionally start fights to send me into spasms. When she kicked me out, I had to live in my car for a month, in the winter, in Wisconsin. What ever happened to “in sickness and in health”?
My wife refused to seek medical treatment or get an MRI for 4 years, she finally went in and was diagnosed after we separated. After I took her into couty for asaulting me when she was drunk. I would like to be supportive but she spent 4 years binge drinking and being verbally and physically abusive to myself and the children. The children and I are seeing therapist and both therapist tell me to put the children first. I am angry that she refused medical treatment for all those years and abused alcohol to the point where I will never trust her. Alcohol makes people mean and she blacks out and does not remember the mean and hurtful things she has said to our children. The children are glad they do not have to live with her. I feel guilty because I am not supportive, but ours lives had so much fear during the past four years I do not feel we can get back together. Alcohol abuse destroyed our marriage not MS. I am a caring and loving person, I would have done anything to assist my wife but I will live in fear of her drinking and no longer want to be in her presence. I have been in a confused emotional state for years and I am coming out of the fog. I do not know whether it has been the MS, the alcohol, or menopause. It does not matter pity will not help mt wife and I must focus onbeing the best parent I can be for our children. IF ANYONE IS LISTENING ALCOHOL IS NOT A SOLUTION TO ANY PROBLEM
I have been married for almost 10 yrs, and we have kids.
even though my husband was diagnosed with MS before we got together, he made it seem like a small side dish.. now I realize how it is the main course.. he has become totaly self absorbed, self centered and “autistic” in the emotional way..
there is no room for friendship in him. it is as if he blames me for his disease. and anything he does at home has to be applauded because it was so hard for him.
we are both bitter, and I belive divorce is the right way for us. but I am afraid of doing such a big change in status.. and for the kids…
life is very painful now.
Within 3 months of my diagnosis with MS my husband of 16 years has left.
He says it is nothing to do with the MS but I cannot believe him.
In some respects these stats have shown me he is not the only man to lack the commitment I naively thought were a given when you got married.
I work full time and life is now really tough trying to manage everything on my own.
I hope I don’t sound heartless. My wife and I have been married almost two years. I knew she had MS before we had gotten married and always tried to be supportive. Recently she has lost her job due to layoffs. She started to look for another job, but had a pretty bad flair up before finding one. She still walks and drives but insists she is disabled and can’t work. Prior to getting married she always hid her MS from people and said she didn’t want it to define who she was. Ever since we got married its become all she is. If we have a disagreement any wrong doing she had done is because she has MS. She throws it in my face anytime I have an issue with something. It usually makes me feel guilty and I give in, but the game is wearing on me.
i dont know what to do anymore with my husband . i know he had ms for many years now . we just got married on 7/11/12 .I always supportive and help him but the ms is getting bad. He put me away from him and talking about divorce . I’m getting upset because i was always there for him no matter what and now i feel heart broken . can anyone help me
i have been with my husband for 5 years, about 3 years ago we got the dc. i am a cna and was ok with him having m.s. he was not . he left me and said i should not have to go to work and take care of people and come home and take care of him. my life has always been about taking care of people and the one person that it would have been a honor to take care of left me saying i need to find a health man, how sad m.s is. . i wish i had my husband back. life sucks without him, i miss him everyday, and love him more as days pass by…………
I think it’s good to get some counseling when one is newly diagnosed, cause both of you will go through alot too, and even the spouse of the one who has the MS.
If someone does not understand your MS and does not want to go to counseling, then sooner or later the marriage will be doomed with or without MS.
I agree, a partner should stay together with the one who has the MS, but if MS is the only problem in the marriage then it probably would not have lasted anyway or most likely there were other problems too that the MS just intensified.
There is so many things that can break up a marriage and obviously MS adds to that.
I would think if someone leaves you right after the diagnosis, then that was the straw that broke the camel’s back in their mind cause they were probably thinking of leaving and getting out anyway, and they would have left sooner or later.
I think MS creates alot of anxiety for both partners and it’s sad that the partner who leaves does not have the maturity or committment that marriage entails.
I’m sure no one will admit that they cannot handle the fact of their partner having MS so they make every other excuse in the world why it’s not working. so they can leave them without having a guilty concience.
If you really want your partner back then I suggest that you pray for God to bring them back and to go to counseling and see if that helps.
Pray for the partner that their heart will be changed and that you also will have the ability to forgive and go forward and that love can be restored by both.
If it’s God’s will, then they will return and if not, then God has something better for you in the future.
Try to have faith, as hard as this is right now and remember that God loves you always even when life sucks……he never leaves us ever….
I’ve experienced all of this…… divorce (not easy when u can’t work full time)…… etc, and prayer is helping right now & counseling, to get my ex and I back together, possibly……….??
I was married in January 2007 and diagnosed with MS in Aug 2007. My husband went to my dr. appointments so he could understand some of what is going on with me. He is very loving and supportive when i don’t feel good. He thinks I should quit my factory job. I wish I could afford to but my MS is just annoying at times right now. I believe everything happens for a reason and we just have to deal with some things. I don’t let MS bring me down, I just go with the flow and put on a smile and go about my business. My friends know that I have MS and can tell the EMTS or drs if something should happen. I explained to the people I work with so they have some idea of what is going on. They are very supportive when I don’t feel good. I work seven days a week and feel okay til I get that day off and feel aweful. My daily routine is interrupted. My husband deals with my grumpiness and bad moods. It helps that we sat down and read about MS together so he knows what to expect. Everyone’s symptoms are different so I explain how I feel if I am feeling bad so if something happens he jknows something to tell the drs. He has a brain tumor which they operated on some twenty yrs ago . Some of it is still there. He has had one seizure when they changed his meds. we make jokes about his seizure and my tingling and vibrations in my neck and hands and legs. He says we make a perfect pair. Life is what you make of it together. Sometimes divorce is the answer and maybe someday you will find someone who aceepts you as you are,. Be positive, cry if you have too, get mad too. I’m just glad I am still here to watch my grandkids grow up.
Married 18 yrs and divoriced 1 yr after I was diagnoised. I owned a sucsessful business and gave it up due to MS and I am sure it frightened her. I still am very sucsessful as a investor. I just needed time to adjust as anyone would. Anyway it all worked out in the end. She is broke and miserable,gained 100 pounds and lost custody of our chidren. I have MS but stay in great shape ,have had many girlfreinds and enjoy the hell out of life! As they say the grass looks greener on the other side! LOL! If it where her with MS I can say as a man I would have stayed with her forever but it all probably turned out for the best .